I've been mapping out a life plan, not just my usual to-do lists that always get shifted forward and pushed around, but a solid passionate plan that will get me where I should have already been. I had some epiphanies in the last couple of months that shifted my perspective. I have been living my life through other people's eyes. Waiting for approval, waiting for permission... I'm an adult. I can give those things to myself.
A few posts ago I mentioned that my mom always told me not to rock the boat, and that I realized that my job here is to rock the boat. I love my mom, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but I do not want to live her life. She's been everything to everyone. If someone needs something, they know to just call Barb.
She is constantly overextending herself, and exhausting herself in the process. The people that she takes care of never see the dark side of it, but I do. I've been here the whole time, watching her disappear under the weight of everything.
She is happiest when she's free. And so am I.
I was born with giant dreams. I knew from day one what I wanted to do, that it was possible even though people told me it wasn't, and that I would never be happy unless I went after that dream with all my heart. There's no room in that scenario for waiting around for people's permission. That has to end now.
I have coveted my family's approval all my life. I never felt that I fit in. Early on it was implied--just a feeling that I had. Later on it was blatant--not-so-subtle jokes or outright verbal attacks. Currently it's the behind-my-back variety, but it finds its way to my ears anyway.
Here's a tip: If someone's flailing, reach out to them. Don't make fun of them, and don't make them feel even more distant and isolated. Not everybody is as strong as me. I never crumbled under it, but a lot of people would.
I'm getting caught up in it again. To keep it on target, what I'm trying to say is that the people who I have mostly longed to please are the ones who don't waste a moment on me. They don't bother to read this blog though they know where to find it. They don't call me and ask how I'm doing. They connect with me sporadically at weddings and funerals, and that's it. And it hurts. Because I genuinely do love them. And I have wasted so much mental space trying to be what they wanted. And that was so stupid of me.
I've got a million things that I want to achieve. For many years, part of my motivation was to prove them all wrong, and I suppose there will always be a part of me that's stuck on that page. But that's just it. It's ONE page. This life is a book, maybe a whole shelf full of books, and that one page may have a big bright annoying bookmark calling attention to it, but there is so much more to my story than that. I can give myself permission to write the rest of those pages without worrying about the people who aren't going to read them anyway. And if they ever do, then I guess they'll finally know me.
The person who reads all the way down to this very line is the one that I care about. I'm able to connect with you here, or anywhere, because you care. You never fall out of touch for long, because for some damn reason you believe in this dream as much as I do. My focus should be here, in the sunlight, in the happiness. There is so much to celebrate, so much to believe in, and so much to achieve together.
This is a daily, specific, measurable plan to gain total control over my life now that I finally understand that I'm the only one at the wheel. And I'm going to keep in touch and let you guys know exactly what I'm working on and exactly how I'm doing. Thanks as always for the love and support... to the ones who are reading this now, and the ones who will read it much later.We're building an empire of healing here, from the music to the poems to these blog posts, and I can't do it without you.
Love and hugs!!!! xo