internal sunshine — a poem about overcoming compulsive habits and dissociation
We all have our dirty little secrets, and writers are certainly no exception. Something I have never written candidly about (until today!) is my compulsive bad habits, which are likely a part of undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder, aka OCD.
It’s hard to talk about this in a superficial world where we have Sephora, Instagram filters, and AI to make us look our best, but I know that there are others out there like me who suffer with these compulsions, and there’s got to be some value in throwing some rays of sunlight onto those dark parts of our lives. Before we get to the poem, I’ll dig in and tell you what it’s really about.
I won’t get into the really nitty gritty details of my particular compulsions, as even an open book like me needs to maintain privacy on some matters! But I will be brave enough to say that I have three bad habits that I cycle through, and I recently learned that two of them, nail biting and compulsive skin picking, are mechanisms that I use to enable a state of dissociation.
My mind was blown when I realized that I was not just zoning out but actually disassociating, losing hours on unproductive, unfulfilling, repetitive actions. Even worse, I have been at the mercy of these bad habits for most of my life. The nail biting habit began at age seven, and compulsive skin picking at age 13. The latter is the one that I have struggled the most with, but I think that I need to look further back to really understand why all of these habits began.
Why would a seven-year-old have the need to dissociate? At age nine, I was dealing with obvious complex trauma that is frankly all over my body of work, but what happened at seven? It’s something more insidious, a developmental trauma that affected everything and yet went unnoticed or was swept under the rug — a profound loss of control that transformed me from the kid who was surfing the waves to the preteen trying to keep her head above water.
Someday I’ll speak more freely about what happened to me and why, but for a more softly blurred view, I do have a few poems that speak on it:
I also have at least one earlier poem that delves specifically into my compulsive habits, 100 Proof: A Poem about Addiction and Avoidance, and today I’m sharing “internal sunshine,” an Ariana Grande-inspired poem that riffs on her current single “yes, and?” and exposes those hidden compulsions to some much-needed sunlight… with a little Scream 3 reference for good measure!
So without further ado, let’s get into it.
internal sunshine
lying in the snow
skin cold
heart on fire
dissociated
isolated
desecrated
no one knows
how far it goes
how deep i sink
how long it's had me
feasting on my trauma
eating my knowledge
taking advantage
in the dark
even i didn't know
where and when
it all began
return to the library
find it's a trilogy
unexpected backstory
discover something
that wasn't true
on page one
who could i be with awareness
who could i be with sunshine
self-regulated
integrated
elevated
eyes open
lipstick on
lights aglow
It’s difficult to post this, to be so honest and open about habits that are so shameful and embarrassing, but I’ll forsake the readers who don’t care to know for the ones who really need to hear this, and perhaps you’re in the latter group.
If so, remember that there is only one you, and you are a gift to this world even if you don’t feel like it every day! Take good care of yourself and cut yourself some slack for whatever mistakes you have made. Today is a new day and a fresh start. Even if you have hit absolute rock bottom, there’s no reason that you have to stay there. We can rise to the surface and ride those waves just like we used to.
If you struggle with compulsions and dissociation, I hope you explore the root of it too, and that you find freedom from its hold on your life. Please know that FindTreatment.gov exists as a confidential and anonymous resource for those seeking treatment for mental and substance use disorders in the United States.
Please stay well and know that you are loved! 🌼
