It's almost 5 o' clock and we're gearing up to watch the VMAs at 9, just gotta run some errands and then high tail it back here so we don't miss the pre-show. I'm happy that it's VMA time of course, I look forward to this every year... but despite the fact that I am and have always been a huge Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson fan (and even some other Jacksons that you might not guess, though certainly not with the level of devotion that I have reserved for those two!)... and I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but... I'm really not looking forward to Janet's performance tonight. I mean I'm looking forward to seeing her, obviously. I love to see her anytime, anyplace, you know? :) (Sorry, bad pun.) And I know tonight's performance will help a lot of people with the healing process over losing Michael Jackson. But...
The last 2+ months have been nonstop Michael Jackson for me. I went to the Motown Museum (thank you again to Margie and Ani for taking us there)... I redid my studio and hung up a ton of Michael stuff to inspire me... I have listened to his music constantly. I've cried for the loss and I've smiled at all the beautiful things we've been left with. I have definitely given myself the time to both celebrate and grieve. Realistically I haven't been able to get away from it.
But just last night I was replaying in my mind the moment that I heard about his death, probably for the thousandth time, and I finally said, "STOP." I had to do that with my grandmother's and father's deaths too. I had to stop replaying those moments. I think it is damaging to replay those moments in your mind so many times. Remembering the good things is wonderful, but to keep feeling your heart sink just like it did when those words first hit your ears? I'm tired of putting my brain through that. Matter of fact I have a poem about this that I wrote after my grandmother passed away. I'll find that and post it this week for you.
But anyway my point is that as much as I'm looking forward to seeing Janet tonight, I feel like I can't take another tear. I can't NOT watch, but I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel the enormity of what she has lost and what we have collectively lost. But I have to. I guess, just like with every other loss, I have to move through these moments; navigate them and move forward swiftly. Remember how Quincy Jones said he wasn't going to any more funerals? Well, he did in fact go to Michael's. And for me, not going to funerals or not facing people's deaths is not an answer, because it'll all sneak back up on you later anyway and you'll still have to face it. That's what Janet's Velvet Rope album is about. Peeling away those layers because it's all still under there somewhere. Gotta deal with it as it comes so you don't have to later.
You see you can't run away from your pain
Because where ever you run there you will be
--Janet Jackson, Special
So come on ya'll. One more night of Mike. Who's watching with me?